Sister Longberg

Friday- May 10th, 2013

I am so freaking out! I didn't cry the first night-well at least not till prayer. But I got in bed and slept its 10:56 right now-I am breaking rules already and decided I needed to write. I have not been sleeping...I need a stuffed animal - I miss my big bear and my nice blanket. I don't know if I should be writing right now - because I'm pretty low today - I've divided the MTC is meant to break you...and I feel broken, but they still are not done. I realize I have to focus and I can't really write to you - I need to keep an eye on my Future and my purpose and the people I am learning to love, and not the past and loved ones I left.

Right now - I want to go home. But I'm going to get some sleep and keep trying - I don't know where my want to stay is coming from but I will trust it.

If I can get organized, I will try this again - otherwise my P-day is on Thursday. I leave for Oklahoma on May 22 at 6:32 a.m. so I don't know how calling you will work. Thank you for using Dear Elder--I can't tell you how much those letters meant--I got more than anyone else today. :)

Love you!! Sister Longberg

Saturday, May 11, 2013

It's 10:03--I managed to get ready for bed fast enough and early enough to write a letter.

I am in a room with six beds and four sisters. I am the oldest--I want to talk to and hang out with the elders more but my companion says they are having "too much fun" and "not inviting the spirit" and I want to smack her and say her constant planning and time management isn't doing much for my spirit. My companion is Sister S. and she has not cried once, but she claims to be "jealous" that I can so honestly feel the spirit...

We do have fun sometimes though--I managed to convince her that tossing a Frisbee was a good way to spend gym time. It reminded me too much of Eric, though, so we ended up with some sisters going to Chile and we played some volleyball. That was awesome!! It feels so good to laugh, I wish Sister S. could understand that. OK--It is now Sunday, May 12th. I am in the main gym--watching music and the spoken word--everyone is crying! It seems rather cruel to make us watch this Mother's day special--like they are rubbing it in our faces that we won't be calling home today. So lame. I am trying to imagine this place when you were here.,..They say that filling up the bottom half was the best they used to get--well I am in the bleachers half way up and I am watching people standing--I know there are girls in the overflow--I feel so lucky to have gotten a seat at all! I swear there are more sisters than elders--or at least equal too!! So crazy!!

I get the strong impression my companion is unhappy about her Oklahoma calling--she does everything but say it...oh well. I think I saw Uncle Trent in the choir--that made me happy. :)

Sister Janice Kapp Perry spoke to us--she wrote the song "As Sisters in Zion" and a handful of primary songs. At the end of her talk we sang a brand new song that she wrote just for sister missionaries. So amazing!

We have the opportunity to teach every day--I am trying to be positive, but teaching is really hard! I don't know the lessons--and i am not confident. But...I am trying to feel the spirit and I have enjoyed the lessons. I am so mad at myself for not picking up the basic doctrines quickly--they really don't focus on lessons here...It's all about teaching people--not lessons--and I am fantastic at getting to know people and bearing my testimony and promising people blessings through obedience and God's love for them--but the actual doctrine is really tripping me up. I cry all the time--but it's slowly becoming less sob-like and more softly feeling the spirit.

I have yet to figure out why I want to do this...The lessons here are making me feel...mad, maybe? I don't know for sure--but the push for baptism and constant calls for repentance feels so empty to me. I can call on the spirit to help me promise blessings of prayer--but I can't feel it yet for baptism. I just feel upset when I think of asking people to do that.

I am a spiritual person--all this planning and blindly doing as we are told--never getting the opportunity to sit back and feel the spirit or even organize my thoughts--I could just scream!! I know my poor relationship with my companion is on me--because I don't want to be here. I absolutely don't want to follow the stupid rules--but she does. I want to be with the missionaries outside our dorm last night who made a human pyramid who fell down laughing and jokingly made reference to Samuel and preaching and salvation. I want to laugh! I want this to be fun. My anger is not from Sister S.--it's at myself because I don't want to be wasting all this time and money on my personal experiment--

Today I fasted and prayed--and after dinner I read my patriarchal blessing--and I got zero comfort. Totally sucky, fail. I feel so abandoned. I jumped and no one caught me. My blessing tells me to go to school--I read it and honestly felt that I had forced myself into a situation I will not be able to get out of. I admit though that I do wonder if maybe I am still falling....as opposed to no one catching me--I haven't felt my falling slow at all, but I have not hit the bottom yet....

Mom, I miss you every moment. I hate that so much. I HATE the food here--I want broccoli that wasn't frozen and real eggs and red leaf lettuce and milk!!

I am going to buy a phone card here--on Thursday, I will be able to email you and I will tell you then what I have found about everything....but for now, expect a call while you are milking the cows at around 5:30--and again after I land for either the airport or the mission president's home. I don't know for sure--likely around 3:00 til maybe six???? No one tells me any of this important stuff.

I have really enjoyed keeping these pages with me the last couple of days. It's like talking to you when you are sleeping and don't answer anyways!!

Love you!!! Sister Longberg

P.S. I want to hug Josh so bad right now!! I watched the Joseph Smith movie last night--so amazing--I am so grateful for Josh's testimony of that man--it's very inspiring and I needed to see that movie!

Mom--I want you to know I am still confident. I miss you and want to go home every day. But I am not finished here--please trust me--I am having fun and I do laugh! I need you--I have enjoyed writing down all my anger--and then moving on--let me do that and don't fear for me!! I am so blessed to have this opportunity--I love my companion--she fasted for me yesterday and told me she thinks the adversary is working extra hard on me because he knows I will change lives--I know I have something powerful to offer!

I love you all! Karen

Thursday, May 16th 2013

That little countdown timer on the top of my screen.... yeah, not okay :/

OK, so, the showers are not as bad as I thought, and at the same time they are. there is one that is always clogged.... and I always get that one! lame.

one thing I am most grateful for lately... the priesthood. I love having all these Elders around! it's so amazing :) our district is awesome, there are four sisters and six Elders... and yes, the Elders get really rowdy sometimes, but they turn it off quick if they sense it's offending us. I'm terrible because I join right in most of the time... they are so much fun. it's become a game almost where they have to follow us around and make sure they always get our chairs and the door and our trays after meals (which is awesome because that line gets so long!) I really respect them and I think they are so powerful.

I spent money.... I have a problem. I bought an MTC water bottle (which is awesome) and some sweeeeet MTC sweat pants (which are even more awesome) and then I ended up buying a poster of Joseph Smith and the angel... so cool. I am falling in love with Joseph Smith.... his example gives me so much strength and I am so blessed that on Sunday I was able to watch the Joseph Smith movie. amazing.

OK, 20 minutes left.... GAH! hate this :(

so, we do a lot of role playing here. everyday me and Sister S. get at least two chances at teaching "an investigator" which is really just a teacher with multiple personality disorder... some of the teachers have really difficult characters, some are much easier. we got our Progressing Investigator, John, to set a date to be baptized yesterday.... so that was amazing :) but then our TRC (I don't know what that stands for) was a complete fail :( I cried.... but not to bad. I am actually proud to announce that I have officially laughed more then I have cried!!! yay me :)

the MTC's main goal I think is to teach us about how to liquefy a lesson to peoples needs, which is awesome but also really lame because I don't struggle with that at all. I am amazing at making friends and loving people, but I don't always know what to say because my knowledge is so tiny... I'm so happy that I can already see my personality helping me get in doors, and my spiritual gifts helping me discern what people need to hear. I am so blessed and so lucky. I want to be happy more, but I feel joy a lot. I don't know if that makes sense.... I'm at peace and I'm okay and I'm exited for Oklahoma in a week... but I wish I could laugh and enjoy this more. we did start a tradition of sharing on giant cupcake right before bed and then taking pictures and laughing. I love these sisters... even though I get seriously annoyed at them sometimes.

I'm excited to go to the temple later today :) I think I am at least.... kinda nervous.

I'm not getting enough sleep... I sleep fine, it's just impossible to go to bed on time and I have to wake up early to get a good shower choice.... so that's lame and I hope that I can eventually get some rest. falling asleep in class is not fun :(

okay, 1 min left!

They said we would have sixty minutes on the computer...they lied.

OK, it's giving me two more moments to finish up...

Mom, I love you. I am so grateful to you and I need you to know how happy I am and how excited I am. I don't hardly cry any more! I figured out how to stop doing that!!!! I told H.F. I am so grateful for the spirit He gave me and I apologized for all the times I was angry about my tears. It worked! I am so happy. :) I am going to be amazing in Oklahoma. This is so good for me. I am so excited! I am so excited for you. Keep writing to me about your days at work, I can't tell you how much I like hearing about that! OK, I'll see you in seventeen months and three weeks... or something like that!!!!

Thursday, May 16th 2013

Everyone else is still writing their emails. I am really frustrated that we only had 30 minutes. Blech! :/

I had two more things I forgot to add. The food here sucks!! I finally figured out how to get what I need though--but unless you're annoying they only give you nasty fake meat and veggies. I end up eating a lot of salad and yogurt parfaits--although yesterday I did get salmon and quinoa--so good!

I am so unorganized. It's stressing me out so much. I can't keep track of the letters I've already gotten and the things I've told you.

I much prefer to write like this because I can complain about my companion--she was watching me as I wrote my email and she wants me to do the same for her, because that dang handbook tells us to be positive in our emails and she feels that her official duty is to make sure my time here is as full of rules and schedules as possible! I love her, but I hate her!

She told me recently that she is so jealous of me and my close relationship with you and Heavenly Father and the way that I can look into people's eyes and see their needs and become their friend and help them--She calls herself cold and unfeeling. And I want to tell her otherwise, but it's the truth--the rest of us have literally broken down to the point that we've all had priesthood blessings--but not her, not even close. She needs me, but I don't know what I can offer. I want her to just relax--she says she doesn't understand how you can feel the spirit and receive revelation in the middle of a lesson--I told her to relax and let it happen--I honestly don't think this woman has been still her whole life. but I hat saying all that because I am so grateful for her at times--she is strong where I am weak, and I love her strengths.

On Mothers Day we had Brother Littlefield and his wife speak--I don't know who he is but his talk was beautiful.

Last night for Tuesday devotional, Elder Russell M. Nelson spoke to us. He smiled and we laughed a lot--he told some very cute stories and said my new favorite thing, "Men are that they may have joy, so look like it!!" and also, "Sensitive missionaries can show real concern for the soul."

I am so grateful for my sensitive soul!

I love you so much! Sister Longberg

Sunday, May 19, 2013

I just love seeing Uncle Trent singing!! So cool! Except for the super awkward moment with hundreds of sister missionaries in the gym and I see Trent's face on the giant screen and I yell out "Ahh! That's my uncle!" Not realizing how loud it was until after the words were gone--there was laughter--so embarrassing!

I really enjoy writing to you in Relief society...it's fun for me and relaxing.

This week has been great and it's gone by so fast! I don't want to leave the MTC now that I'm finally starting to get it! But I'm excited for Oklahoma.

OK--I have a story for you and it's pretty amazing so make sure every one's here to hear it...

Here at the MTC we do a lot of role playing--and I hate it, but I see how it helps. Sooo, the MTC has a program called TRC--I don't know what that stands for--maybe Josh knows? Anyway--they told us we would talk to an "investigator". They can be members, less active members, or non members who are curious or were suggested into the program for different reasons. I've had three other TRC lessons--and none went terrible but they were robotic and dead--no real spirit, no love, very by the book, very fake, very acted.

Now--Saturday night--May 18th was our last TRC--and it was real. Sister S. and I knock on a door and a poor dirty looking young lady answers the door. Greasy hair, tattered old T-shirt and baggy old DI jeans. We sat down with her and she was shaking and couldn't make eye contact. I asked her to tell me why she was here and she explained that she had recently had her three young children taken away from her and the therapist that was assigned to her suggested she come to the MTC and participate in this service...She could not have been acting!!! I was terrified and my mind went blank--this is real...she needs help, this is real!!

Sister S. went right in on the first lesson and I just watched Heather's face...the next thing I know I 'm interrupting my companion's rant on being obedient and I say, "God loves you. Did you know that?"

Heather got really uncomfortable and told me how she grew up in foster care and since she was little every man in her life was abusive and immoral. She told me how they told her not to break character, but she didn't want to hear our message any more--the previous missionaries gave her the analogy of Christ knocking on the door, but you have to open the door because God doesn't have a handle on his--she got so mad!

I just started talking--and suddenly our 45 minutes was over and she didn't want us to leave--I don't know what I said, but it spoke to her. In the end, I asked her if I could say a prayer and I asked God to give her a hug. She cried! She told us how amazing that was and asked if I could give her a hug--it was amazing!!

I am so sorry I haven't been super positive. I really am happy most of the time.

I am so busy--and so panicking about leaving--these are real people! Also--I'm not sure about packing my bags and what to bring...I hate trying to fit my life in two and a half bags.

I'm also freaking out about the flight. And making a decent impression on my mission president. I'm only getting maybe four hours of sleep that night--blech :(

On that lovely note--thanks for the love. I'm happy--I hope you are all happy!

Love, Sister Karen Longberg

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Today is not a p-day, josh is wrong.

I'm a cheater.

I have to do laundry... there is a computer here... yay!

expect my call at about 4:30, maybe 5:00 am.... yeah :)

I'm super happy, everything is great
my teacher, bro. lisenbee told me something awesome today....

He said that when I first came here, I was on the top on his list as a missionary who would need special help and attention. and he's proud of me because I proved him very wrong.

he pulled me aside and I was late for dinner. it made me feel super special, but I know that my strength was not from me.... I turned myself off and sought god, and I've been so blessed for it!!!
OK, gotta go :)

I heard there was a giant tornado in Oklahoma.... yeah... not happy about that.
OK, loves and kisses :)

Sister Karen Longberg

those couple weeks

when the papers are finished and you've talked with the stake president

and your just waiting

waiting and waiting....

to see that white envelope,

and to finally know where your going

and who your serving....

yeah, those were long, exciting days.

but now that I have my call. and I'm leaving soon....

I'm freaking out.

I'm not ready

and I am so easily distracted!!!

so I did a little project to help keep my brain where it should be:

cute, right?

I'm pretty proud of it

especially the heart over Oklahoma :)

latter, Kelly did some pictures with me:

we will have to take some more later.

I need to try out all my skirts!!!

I need to go shopping....

I had to speak in church.

as if leaving my family for 18 months wasn't enough...

they want me to speak.

soooo, my topic was Obedience.

it was actually really nice to have something to do.

something specific to work on

so I'm not wasting so much time

(i.e. Netflix and Hulu...)

so, without further ado.... my talk and some pictures of the after party!!!

In my room, on my desk, I taped up a poem. I found cute paper, and got a good gel ink pen and in cute cursive script I wrote out this poem and taped it up onto my desk.

I have quotes all over my room. I hear something I like, and I want to have it around. On mirror it says:

“put on some red lipstick and live a little”

by my bed I wrote :

“the question isn't 'who's going to let me?' it's 'who's going to stop me!'.”

on my desk I have two quotes. The first is something that kept me going when I wasn't so sure a mission was the right path for me. It's spoken by the purple cat in the classic cartoon Disney movie “ Alice in wonderland”:

“if you don't know where you want to go, then it doesn't matter which path you take.”

that idea kept me moving for a long time because I didn't know where I wanted to go. Thinking back I literally picture myself at a crossroads. On the left is a dark forest and on the right is a pretty meadow with bunnys. I didn't know which path to take, and I didn't know where they would each lead, but I knew I had to take one and I had a good feeling about the one with the bunny.

I have one other quote on my desk. A poem by a 13^th century Sufi Mystic named Rumi.

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love, it will not lead you astray.”

I read this and loved it instantly for reasons I didn't quite understand. I found cute paper and wrote it down with pretty cursive script and instantly taped it up by the other quote on my desk.

My topic is obedience, and I wanted to use this line from Rumi's poem to help outline my points.

The strange pull.

I personally believe that we already have in us what it takes to be amazing.

There is a gentle nudge that helps us decipher right from wrong.

I believe our spirits dwelled in heaven with our father and brother. We were there for a very long time. We had a family and I'm sure there was laughing and singing and music and art. I'm certain we knew constant and perfect joy.

We explain the “gentle nudge”, or “still, small voice” in many different ways, but I want to add my definition to the pot.

Memories. I think of the way it makes me remember my grandma when I hear the song “lead kindly light.” When I feel the spirit, when I'm doing what I'm supposed to and reading my scriptures and going to church, I feel a perfect sample of that joy we had in heaven, and it's beautiful.

1 timothy 4:14 states “neglect not the gift that is in thee”

When we are baptized we receive the gift of the holy ghost, and it is an amazing gift! The holy ghost allows us personal communication with god and can grant insights and inspiration. With the holy ghost, we can be strong.

President Thomas S. Monson said:

“We watch, we wait, we listen for that still, small voice. When it speaks, wise men and women obey. Promptings of the spirit are not to be postponed.”

Speaking of “watching, waiting and listening”.... the next part of Rumi's poem I wanted to focus on is:

Silently!

“Let yourselves by silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray”

When I see this poem, I don't instantly see that word as important, but it absolutely is!

when you combine the word Silently, with the intent to be obedient, what do you see?

I see faith. I think of words like humble and submissive. I see someone eager to learn and easy to teach.

I Work at Walgreens. My job is to make sure that the people who leave the store do so with a smile and an intent to come back. I want to help make your day brighter, I get paid to do it. I am trained to interact and give feedback.

My greatest pet peeve: People on their cell phones!

She comes to the register with a basket full of makeup, and wants to know if it's worth it to try this new BB cream. I'm about to explain the benefits of a BB cream and why I think it is exactly what she wants when her phone rings. She answers it. For the next 5 min our interaction is me standing there and ringing her up, waiting for her to stop chatting about some guy named Matt and his smelly sweater. I stand there and smile and pack her things in a bag and she leaves with a thick foundation 2 shades to dark. The next time I see her, she has a nasty foundation line along her jaw.

The moral of my story is #1, it's rude to talk on your phone when your being checked out at Walgreens and #2, if we won't allow ourselfs to be silent, we can't expect to get the answers we need!

And I say the answers we need because we don't always hear what we want. I love my job, I love my cell phone and my laptop, but I was told rather loudly that a mission is where I'm supposed to go, and it must have been loud, because I am anything but silent.

Silent also means don't complain.

The same lady in the previous story is a regular customer, and she is real, and she came in a few day's after that and had me exchange the used, too dark foundation for a the lighter BB cream. The entire time she whined about how terrible the previous foundation was, and I should warn other customers about it's lack of blend ability and nasty texture, blaming me because it was likely expired.

She wouldn't listen, she made a bad decision and ruined a perfectly good bottle of base, and then proceeded to whine and groan at me for not being helpful and for selling an expired product. (FYI, the foundation was not expired... it was brand new, I take a lot of pride in my department.)

if we don't silently listen and silently follow the very basic commandments that god has plainly set down for us, we sure better be silent when things blow up in our faces.

Ask forgiveness, jump back on the straight and narrow, and keep moving. But don't curse god because you didn't listen!

It can be hard, but the blessings are so much greater.

Henery B Eyring said:

“I have experienced joy by coming closer to the savior by simple acts of obedience”

and they really are simple! Obeying god begins with the simple nudges. Listening silently and trying. Soon the trying becomes natural and the joy comes in waves. Obeying god is a blessing! It's an expression of our trust and love toward a precious father in heaven.

What you really love.

Every Sunday the young women stand up and together say “we are daughters of our heavenly father, who loves us! And we love him!”

it's so simple. We love him! I love him! I do what I do because I love him, I don't have to be afraid because I trust him.

Elder Stanley G Ellis exclaimed in conference one of my new favorite one line quotes.

“We are not spiritual orphans! We are not alone!”

I remember staying the night with a friend and my mom texted me saying, “stay safe and CTR”

the only reason she's willing to let me out of her sight for so long is because she trusts I'm doing a good thing and that I will be with good people, and even then I'm sure it's more a test of her faith then mine at this point.

And it's an awesome thing to know that someone cares about me that much. And it's awesome to know that god was probably in the same position. I picture him giving me a hug and saying “I know your doing a good thing, but it's hard to let you go” and then I say “don't worry, I'll make you proud! I'll make new friends, learn some cool things. It's gonna be a blast!”

we are not spiritual orphans, and we are not alone.

Heavenly father loves us, and we love him.

It will not lead you astray.

Those hard times will always be there, Satan will always be there. But so will Christ And light always overcomes darkness. Do not be discouraged. You are not left alone. You are not forgotten. You are not being punished. You are being led, directed and protected and you will make it and it will be perfect.

D&C 6:20 “Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of god and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love”

Boyd K Packer said:

“Latter-day Saints are not obedient because they are compelled to be obedient. They are obedient because they know certain spiritual truths and have decided as an expression of their own individual agency to obey the commandments of god... we are not obedient because we are blind. We are obedient because we can see!”

I recently had a panic attack. I was just thinking about what it will be like for me in the MTC and Oklahoma and I realized I don't know anything. I never really went to seminary, I don't know the scripture Masteries! I'm gonna fail!

I held onto scriptures and prayer and doing the things I believed to be right, but I was having a really hard time convincing myself that I could anything. I was just starting to feel really heavy regret at what I hadn't learned and didn't know.

I feel so blessed and lucky that my moment of panic and fear happened just before conference. What a blessing it was to go into conference feeling so terrible and sad. There was not talk given that I didn't just absolutely LOVE!

And if I loose everything else, I don't think I can ever deny or forget the difference the gospel makes in my life.

From Elder Hollands talk:

“When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your “unbelief.” That is like trying to stuff a turkey through the beak! Let me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have.”

“What was once a tiny seed of belief for me has grown into the tree of life, so if your faith is a little tested in this or any season, I invite you to lean on mine. I know this work is God’s very truth, and I know that only at our peril would we allow doubt or devils to sway us from its path. Hope on. Journey on.... because all things are possible to them that believe.”

with this in mind, I have a new quote on my desk:

“I may not be there yet, but I am closer then I was yesterday.”

I am a girl with simple faith. I have a hard time holding my ground and being strong. I am gullible. I want people to like me. I absolutely do not want conflict.

Wikipedia informs me that I am going to a state that has the title of “buckle” of the bible belt because apparently Tulsa Oklahoma is one of the few urban areas in the United States where over 60% of the population consider themselves protestant and regularly attend church.

I am terrified of the doors I will be knocking on and the strangers I will have to explain myself to. I am terrified of not fitting in.

I am sensitive and fragile. I am not being down on myself, I am being honest.

Alma 56:46 “our God is with us, and he will not suffer that we should fall”

my testimony is simple, but it's there, and it's more then it was yesterday. I never really decided to go on a mission. I never saw myself as strong enough to approach strangers about the book of Mormon. I still don't. But I am a firm believer of the saying:

“god doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called”

I felt prompted, and I hesitantly listened. I tested the water, and it was warm, crystal clear and very inviting.

Psalm 119:35:

“make me to go in the path of the commandments, for therein do I delight”

I have learned over the past... 2 months... a lot about doing what I know is right, even when every one and every thing around seems to be saying something else. I found strength in the gospel. I found strength in the words of god, and in my personal relationship with him. I am determined that my life will not be ruled by fear, but by gods word. Because in gods word, there is no fear.

The temple is an amazing place.

I've always been drawn to it, and the opportunity to finally experience it...

well, it made everything worth it.

I went to the Jordan river.

I've known that would be 'my temple' since I was little

my appointment was at 9:00

I had to be there at 8:00

me and my mom left the house at 7:30

grandpa, Kelly and Josh arrived latter.

grandpa took us all out to lunch afterwards.

super nice of him :)

I guess I couldn't get enough though,

mom and I ended up at temple square afterwards for another session!

I'm so grateful I got to experience both of them in the same day! :)

I wasn't expecting this till next week. but it's here.

I come home from work, and there it is.

all big and white with the words

"Sister Karen Longberg"

I've never had shivers like this before!!!

I want to just rip it open now...

but mom tells me I have to wait for her to get home.

bogus :/

Happy st. Patrick's day!

also, happy birthday to me :)

the 17th fell on a Sunday this year, so on Saturday I played the "I'm leaving soon" card and got mom and Eric to go with me to one of my favorite places.... Antelope Island!!!